I was fortunate that I had a twin sister who was my absolute best friend. I lost her three years ago.and no one can replace her. I do still grieve for her but better now. Not as many meltdowns. Loved reading this .....perfect timing for me. Thank you
This is beyond timely for me. I lost my universe, "my ground, my safe and sound" to quote Leonard Cohen, three weeks ago. You often make me cry, Mike Brock 🩷
Spot on. Being older than you I came to this a while ago and you are correct it’s true and basically is what it is. And I would add there are lives which begin sensing/knowing/discovering this will be true, always, through circumstance, through protection, through experiences, through opportunities or lack there of, but the seeking and yet knowing is still there, and the generosity is there, but the knowledge is always present that giving is not taking or receiving, it’s giving for giving. But there are the one or two that you are fortunate to have discovered and they you, and that is enough and they give and you receive and give back and that is enough.
Anyway, Mike, some of your readers are silent, they read and that is enough. They see you as they see most they care about, silently thinking, reading, they give you nothing but they think they would if the opportunity arose but they probably never will. So they tell the one or two who they give and take from what they read and appreciate and — that is enough.
What a detailed explanation of friendship in mid-life. It should be mandatory reading. These things aren't really discussed till later decades in life. But much grief could be saved.
I lost my career in my early 40s during to disability from a chronic illness. You are spot on about the dissolving of the 'group' you functioned in. There were many who couldn't handle what I was going through and just left.
Then I rebuilt the circle with more reasonable criteria. However in my 70s, now with cancer, there is another migration. People's lives are so tentative now. Often there is not much left to give.
Then as you continue to age, you can loose people to death from the inner circle.
I think your conclusion is correct. To have 1-3 people who you can share you with and receive presence from them is indeed a great gift.
I am not in your ring Mike, but I want to say after reading this that you have constantly been generous and vulnerable with your readers and for me it’s a relief to be free of the most human trait to “convert” in order to protect one’s own vulnerabilities. Your gift for me is the opportunity after each post to thoughtfully absorb what you have carefully constructed. This recipient is simply grateful.
About a month ago I was thinking, if someone straight up asked me what I thought I have accomplished in my life, it took me a while, but I ended up with one word.
Thank you. I realized long ago that I can give socially and just leave it there, that I don’t need to give the same energy to them as I do to “my people” because it’s exhausting and frustrating with the socials. I love your framing. So apt.
This piece stopped me in my tracks. So far, you’re 3 for 3: you seem to see the world the way I do, but you articulate it with crystalline brilliance. Thank you.
I just turned 80, and I particularly like your statements on the necessity of grieving in authentic relationships. I have lost a couple of long-term close friends to Alzheimer's disease. Rather than feeling the sadness of the deep loss, I found myself clinging to the nostalgia of what the relationship once was and denying the consequences of the loss of the person who once filled a vital part of my foundation of being.
The risk of "needing" others is to eventually experience their loss and ultimately our own mortality. A good friend is someone you would be willing to die for and to deeply feel the pain of their passing. It seems the ability to deeply grieve is the basis for deep friendship and caring. Can we allow our ego to die into relationship with another? Yes, that is rare indeed.
Neither here nor there, acquaintances, social friends, good friends, best friend. Those are my categories realized over a lifetime. The categories became more delineated following something that was painful to deal with - a sickness, a death, an upheaval in life. In the wake of the delineations are peace, questions, anger, acceptance. You are so right about the mistakes of the young but its because of the exuberance of youth when you felt everyone you hung out with was a best friend. The categories require constant discernment. I sent your column to my two best friends. These are the random essays that I enjoy most.
What an articulate piece. I have had my share of being honest with girlfriends who were with verbally abusive men when I was younger and sticking up for them and straining or losing their friendship. I have had varieties of types of friends through my 6 decades of life and some included those who did not “like” my other friends and would not want me to invite them to things and then turn around and befriend these same people later. This was vexing to me and luckily I outgrew most of those friends. I think some of the most painful revelations is when you realize a lot of your close family members are not part of your inner circle. If you have financial resources, too, there are some people who feel entitles to it rather than receiving it as a gift. I agree the inner ring of true friends is very small and I acknowledge that there are acquaintances and colleagues that can enrich your life, too.
This hit me like a gut punch. In the few minutes I spent reading this article, I suddenly realized I found an explanation for one of the most vexing issues of my life. I don't have the words to express all that I'm feeling now. This will take time to fully process. In the meantime, thank you!
I was fortunate that I had a twin sister who was my absolute best friend. I lost her three years ago.and no one can replace her. I do still grieve for her but better now. Not as many meltdowns. Loved reading this .....perfect timing for me. Thank you
This is beyond timely for me. I lost my universe, "my ground, my safe and sound" to quote Leonard Cohen, three weeks ago. You often make me cry, Mike Brock 🩷
Spot on. Being older than you I came to this a while ago and you are correct it’s true and basically is what it is. And I would add there are lives which begin sensing/knowing/discovering this will be true, always, through circumstance, through protection, through experiences, through opportunities or lack there of, but the seeking and yet knowing is still there, and the generosity is there, but the knowledge is always present that giving is not taking or receiving, it’s giving for giving. But there are the one or two that you are fortunate to have discovered and they you, and that is enough and they give and you receive and give back and that is enough.
Anyway, Mike, some of your readers are silent, they read and that is enough. They see you as they see most they care about, silently thinking, reading, they give you nothing but they think they would if the opportunity arose but they probably never will. So they tell the one or two who they give and take from what they read and appreciate and — that is enough.
I love your‘name’
It’s true, not always accepted as such, but, like discovering what friendship means, just the way it “goes”.
What a detailed explanation of friendship in mid-life. It should be mandatory reading. These things aren't really discussed till later decades in life. But much grief could be saved.
I lost my career in my early 40s during to disability from a chronic illness. You are spot on about the dissolving of the 'group' you functioned in. There were many who couldn't handle what I was going through and just left.
Then I rebuilt the circle with more reasonable criteria. However in my 70s, now with cancer, there is another migration. People's lives are so tentative now. Often there is not much left to give.
Then as you continue to age, you can loose people to death from the inner circle.
I think your conclusion is correct. To have 1-3 people who you can share you with and receive presence from them is indeed a great gift.
I am not in your ring Mike, but I want to say after reading this that you have constantly been generous and vulnerable with your readers and for me it’s a relief to be free of the most human trait to “convert” in order to protect one’s own vulnerabilities. Your gift for me is the opportunity after each post to thoughtfully absorb what you have carefully constructed. This recipient is simply grateful.
Just about to read this piece…
About a month ago I was thinking, if someone straight up asked me what I thought I have accomplished in my life, it took me a while, but I ended up with one word.
Friends.
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the principal difference between a man and a dog.” — Mark Twain
Thank you. I realized long ago that I can give socially and just leave it there, that I don’t need to give the same energy to them as I do to “my people” because it’s exhausting and frustrating with the socials. I love your framing. So apt.
This piece stopped me in my tracks. So far, you’re 3 for 3: you seem to see the world the way I do, but you articulate it with crystalline brilliance. Thank you.
I just turned 80, and I particularly like your statements on the necessity of grieving in authentic relationships. I have lost a couple of long-term close friends to Alzheimer's disease. Rather than feeling the sadness of the deep loss, I found myself clinging to the nostalgia of what the relationship once was and denying the consequences of the loss of the person who once filled a vital part of my foundation of being.
The risk of "needing" others is to eventually experience their loss and ultimately our own mortality. A good friend is someone you would be willing to die for and to deeply feel the pain of their passing. It seems the ability to deeply grieve is the basis for deep friendship and caring. Can we allow our ego to die into relationship with another? Yes, that is rare indeed.
Very thoughtful and accurate
Neither here nor there, acquaintances, social friends, good friends, best friend. Those are my categories realized over a lifetime. The categories became more delineated following something that was painful to deal with - a sickness, a death, an upheaval in life. In the wake of the delineations are peace, questions, anger, acceptance. You are so right about the mistakes of the young but its because of the exuberance of youth when you felt everyone you hung out with was a best friend. The categories require constant discernment. I sent your column to my two best friends. These are the random essays that I enjoy most.
I loved this! Tears all the way. I got one! Working on another. Holding reality for each other! Thats what it is! Thx Mike.
What an articulate piece. I have had my share of being honest with girlfriends who were with verbally abusive men when I was younger and sticking up for them and straining or losing their friendship. I have had varieties of types of friends through my 6 decades of life and some included those who did not “like” my other friends and would not want me to invite them to things and then turn around and befriend these same people later. This was vexing to me and luckily I outgrew most of those friends. I think some of the most painful revelations is when you realize a lot of your close family members are not part of your inner circle. If you have financial resources, too, there are some people who feel entitles to it rather than receiving it as a gift. I agree the inner ring of true friends is very small and I acknowledge that there are acquaintances and colleagues that can enrich your life, too.
This must be a girl thing. I totally relate to all of that.
This hit me like a gut punch. In the few minutes I spent reading this article, I suddenly realized I found an explanation for one of the most vexing issues of my life. I don't have the words to express all that I'm feeling now. This will take time to fully process. In the meantime, thank you!
This is a nice piece Mike, thank you. It is definitely worth saying.